Monty's Revenge

Revenge. We may not always wish it outwardly upon our enemies but if it happens, not too many of us will feel bad about it. Why? Because it makes us feel justice has been served and order has been restored. Hollywood has embraced it and made millions off of it. There is nothing that will arouse our faculties more than seeing a bad guy get what's coming to him (see Taken, Taken 2 and eventually 3, 4, 5...). But, can revenge sometimes be taken too far? Montezuma was the Aztec emperor during the conquest of Mexico by the Spanish Conquistador, Cortes. Granted, he had every reason to be upset. He not only lost his empire but also his own life. But, Monty, please, for the sake of all foreign tourists, enough is enough! It's time to let it go and let us enjoy the wonderful food of Mexico without having to suffer the unpleasant effects of your perpetual wrath afterwards.

Ear Lobes

When family members and relatives get together, interesting discussions and observations are often brought up which previously had not received any attention. While on our recent trip to Mexico, my niece (who once called me weird) made the comment that no one in the Denney family had ear lobes. We compared all our ears and sure enough, we were all minus ear lobes. I pondered the realization of this strange physical phenomenon and began researching to perhaps uncover the origin. I googled, "Why Denneys have no ear lobes." In just a few seconds the computer screen was flooded with historical information of every kind. To summarize, many thousands of years ago in prehistoric England, members of the Denney tribe were extremely slow of foot and could barely keep up with a sloth. Ear lobes, which created wind resistance, gradually began to shrink in size through the process of adaptation in order to make their ears more streamlined and thus better hunters. Personally, I can live without ear lobes but it has been a source of major disappointment for my sisters as they have been unable to wear earrings and, worse yet, their old boyfriends had no ear lobes to nibble on.

Terror at 30,000 Feet

The slightest sign of trouble while flying at 30,000 feet can cause even the strongest of persons to become panic stricken and unravel like a ball of yarn. On our flight home from Mexico City, my sister in law, Paige Denney, somehow got locked inside the lavatory and was unable to free herself from the cramped confines. As the flight attendants worked feverishly to disengage the door locking mechanism, ferocious door pounding and screams of terror from within the lavatory could be heard throughout the cabin of the aircraft frightening many of the passengers on board. After several minutes of unsuccessful attempts by the flight attendants, poor Paige was about ready to rip out the little plastic throne and make her escape through the poop chute when I sprang from my seat and raced to the front of the cabin. With the strength of a much younger version of myself, I kicked open the lavatory door saving the blonde damsel in distress as well as the entire crew and passengers of flight 26.

One Man's Path to Happiness

A man took a journey hoping to find the path to happiness. He traveled to many far away lands, but, it seemed the farther he traveled, the more unhappy he became. One day while resting from his travels under an old apple tree, an apple fell and hit him on the head. "Perhaps, this is a sign that I should cease my travels," he thought to himself. "I'll just sit here and wait for another sign." Well, the apples continued to fall and hit him on the head but still the man received no additional sign. As the years went by, the man finally admitted to himself, "I have traveled to many far away lands and have been sitting under this old apple tree for all these years and the only thing I have to show for my time is this big old lump on my head!" Then, like a sudden flash of lightening from the sky, the man stood up as he saw his path to happiness in a short, simple rhyme, "Forget your regret, look ahead instead."

The First BBQ

Most would agree that indulgence in fine cuisine is certainly one of life's pleasures and one that bears no regret other than perhaps an exorbitant calorie intake or bill. When Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden, surely, one of their primary concerns was their lack of knowledge and ability to sustain themselves since the Garden was now off-limits. Initially, there must have been a lot of trial and error in determining what could be properly consumed and digested which, more than likely, resulted in unpleasant episodes of gastrointestinal discomfort. After a steady diet of fruits, nuts and berries, imagine their surprise and delight at discovering additional food sources. Eve: "Adam, this is simply marvelous but I still feel a little strange eating Bambi." But, eventually, they learned how to separate the Fidos from the fillets and the Rovers from the roasts. In fact, they probably became quite efficient at the art of grilling which they used to open a family run cafe aptly named, "The Garden of Eatin'."

Steamy Mirror Love Notes

We all know the basic function of mirrors (to identify zombies in our midst) but some of us may also be cognizant of another functionality, that of steamy romance tablets in which we express feelings of love and affection to that special person in our lives who just happens to share the most intimate setting in our homes, the bathroom. For those who are not familiar with the process involved, the love note must be written on a steamy mirror which will, like invisible ink, disappear and then magically reappears the next time the mirror steams up. Oh, the rapture and thrill of seeing those cherished words from our beloved as we exit a hot shower! But, on a seldom, rare occasion, those "cherished words" will somehow transform and take on the appearance of a Honey Do List item like this steamy mirror love note that my wife wrote me just before she left on a business trip this weekend, "Don't forget to clean the house!"

Daylight Suffering Time

I'm sure I said this last year and I'm going to say it again. Whoever came up with the harebrained idea of losing an hour of sleep just to have a little more daylight should have been put in solitary confinement where he would have had all the time in the world to think about his idiotic idea and to prevent him from coming up with any more. Seriously, what was this guy (or gal) thinking? He was probably an atheist (or, worse yet, one of those morning people) as he obviously didn't care about those of us that have to wake up on Sunday morning to go to church. Personally, I can't hear (or see) the word of God when my eyelids are still glued shut (although, that can happen on any given Sunday, but that's beside the point). And, then, a few months later, we're led to believe that we're graciously 'gaining' an extra hour of sleep. Hello! Good morning! We're just getting back what we lost in the Spring so why bother changing the clocks in the first place? Well, at least I don't have a clock collection like a lady we talked to tonight who just changed the time on 53 clocks. Talk about going cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo...