"THERE'S A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE!!!"

Helpful Employee: Eek! There's a Mouse in my House Exterminator Service. Can I help you?
Distressed Woman: HELP ME PLEASE!!! THERE'S A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE!!!
Helpful Employee: Don't worry, Ma'am. You've called the right people. We've got a special going on right now. Three exterminations for the price of two. Would you be interested?
Distressed Woman: I DON'T CARE!!! I NEED HELP NOW!!!
Helpful Employee: Okay, I'll take that as a no. Ma'am, could you please describe the perpetrator?
Distressed Woman: HE'S 10 FEET TALL WITH LONG VICIOUS FANGS DRIPPING WITH BLOOD!!! YOU MORON!!! HE'S A DAMN MOUSE, FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!
Helpful Employee: Ma'am, I know this is difficult for you, but, please, try to calm down. Now, we have a number of experienced professional exterminators on our staff. We have Omar the Persian Prince of Darkness who will have his head off before you can say, "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves." Terrible Tickle Tom Tabby who delights in sadistic torture and cruel mayhem. Hannibal the Cannibal Kid Calico (who thinks he's a mouse) who will also dispose of him by having him for lunch...
Distressed Woman: ...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil...
Helpful Employee: Okay, I'll send over Omar.

Misfit Toys v. Santa Claus

In spite of all the happiness that Santa Claus has brought to the millions of children throughout the world, there will always be a black chapter in his long, illustrious career. Many do not remember (or wish to remember) his inhumane treatment of the Misfit Toys who were banished to the Island of Misfit Toys for no fault of their own. If it wasn't for 60 Minutes who exposed the violation of their civil rights they might still be living in squalor and shame. Of course, Gloria Allred immediately seized the opportunity to defend them and promptly filed a multimillion dollar class action lawsuit on their behalf against Mr. Claus, which basically would have shut down all toy building operations at the North Pole. The case was eventually settled out of court and the Misfit Toys were all delivered to semi-good children. A quality control department was also set up by the Elves to ensure that all toys would forever be created equal. Who knows what led Santa to resort to such despicable behavior? Perhaps, he thought that the delivery of "misfit" toys would cause unnecessary whining from ungrateful children who would then begin to question his ability to satisfy their Christmas wish lists. Whatever the reasons, it is a chapter that hopefully, will never be repeated in the annals of yuletide history.

Stupid Cupid

A man who is accused of trying to get marijuana into a Washington state jail by attaching it to an arrow he shot onto the roof has been identified. The suspect is none other than Cupid, the chubby little cherub who is responsible for causing so many of us to fall hopelessly in love. When questioned of his motive for shooting an arrow with marijuana attached to it into the jail, this was his response. "I've been having quite a bit of trouble these last few years with getting men to fall in love. With their fantasy football leagues, video games, lack of responsibilities, etc., they just don't seem to have an interest in love anymore no matter how potent my arrows are. In fact, these "man-boys" seem to have almost become immune to them. So, I decided to try something just a little different. Granted, it probably wasn't the most ideal place to start but I just wanted to see if, by perhaps, altering their state of minds would somehow allow my arrows to once again produce their desired effects."

The Diabolical Brain Brothers

I have just been informed by my friend and closest ally, my heart, that the long standing feud between my right brain and my left brain has reached a permanent ceasefire. After years of non-stop bickering which often times has left me virtually brain dead, "The Diabolical Brain Brothers" as they now call themselves, have torn down the wall between them and are now united as one, all powerful, Superbrain. Unfortunately, however, in the process of their reunification they became corrupted and now seek control over every member of my body, including my heart, who had many times tried to intervene and negotiate a peace treaty. I refuse to allow my beloved friend, who had already suffered so much from their constant feuding, to fall and become subject to their total domination. The war has begun.

Horsefeathers!

Ever since I started using The Original Mane 'n Tail Shampoo I've noticed a more shiny, manageable and fuller mane, er, I mean, hair. My appetite has also curiously changed. I eat like a horse now. It's funny because I've never really liked carrots or apples before but now I eat them by the basketful and find myself chomping at the bit for more. In fact, I think I'll prance over to the kitchen, uh, make that walk over to the kitchen for a midnight snack. Tomorrow, I've got plans (hopefully, before it rains) to go to the equestrian park to throw some horseshoes with my neighbor. Okay, this is really starting to get annoying, plus, now there's a big horse-fly buzzing around the room. I think it's about time to call it a night and hit the hay.

BW in Celebrity Speech Rehab

The day after her television interview with K.L. Denney, Barbara Walters checked herself into "Celebrity Speech Rehab" where she has been working with world renowned speech therapist, Dr. Yul Tokbetter.

DYT: Barbara, I would like to hear the assignment that I gave you yesterday.
BW: Doctow Tokbettew, I'm not suwe if I'm weady yet but hewe goes. Womeo, Womeo, whewefowe awt thou, Womeo.
DYT: Okay, this time you think of something a little more modern and simple.
BW: Wain, wain, go away. Come again anothew day.
DYT: Hmm, interesting. Who's Wayne and why did you tell him to go away?
BW: No, no, Doctow! I said wain, not Wayne!
DYT: Yes, of course. Was Wayne ever abusive to you?
BW: Well, only once when it came down so hawd that it pwactically wuined my little "Gucci-Guccis."
DYT: Your what?
BW: Oh sowwy. That's my little pet name I gave my favowite paiw of shoes. I bowwowed it fwom Chawo.
DYT: Barbara, it's "cuchi-cuchi." Trust me, I know. Charo was a former client.
BW: That's what I said, "gucci-guccis." What's wong? Awe you hawd of heawing?
DYT: Oh, yes, I forgot. That's why you're here.
BW: Doctow Tokbettew, am I cuwed yet?
DYT: We'll continue this tomorrow but I really think that this Wayne could be the source of your speech problem.
BW: But Doctow, I love wain! It makes evewything pwetty and gween!
DYT: Then why did you tell Wayne to go away?
BW: I DIDN'T! IT'S A STUPID NUWSEWY WHYME, YOU DUMB *** SHWINK!

BW Interview with K.L. (Part 2)

BW: Hello, I'm Bawbawa Waltews and welcome back to pawt 2 of my intewview with K.L. Denney, facebook postew extwaowdinaiwe. How awe you tonight, K.L.?
K.L.: I'm good, Barbara, and thanks so much for having me back particularly after what happened last night.
BW: No pwoblem. Now, in the fiwst pawt of ouw intewview, we discussed the souwce of youw inspiwation. If I wemembew cowwectly,  you said you weceive inspiwation fwom genewating gasses in youw alimentawy canal which awe then expelled out youw poopew chute in the fowm of deadly toxic fumes causing sewious nose and eye iwwitations. And, in some extweme cases can wesult in pewmanent damage ow complete loss of vision and smell.
K.L.: Well, I guess you could say that but still very impressive. You've really done your homework well, Babs.
BW: Please don't call me that. That name always weminds me of a sheep. My name is Bawbawa.
K.L.: Okay, Bawbawa Black Sheep. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Can I ask you a personal question? Have you always had difficulty pronouncing your "r's"?
BW: Evew since I can wemembew. Is it weally that bad?
K.L.: Yes, it weally is that bad.
BW: Well, many people call it my twademawk but they also say that Elmew Fudd is my twin bwothew.
K.L.: I'm vewy sowwy, Bawbawa.
BW: Awe you mocking me, K.L.?
K.L.: No, no, weally I'm not! Fow some stwange weason I can't seem to talk stwaight now! I think I need to see a speech thewapist wight away!
BW: And that's the end of ouw pwogwam tonight. Thank you vewy much fow allowing me to intewview you, K.L. Denney.
(Off-air) GET THIS JEWK OUT OF HEWE! I DON'T NEED TO BE INSULTED BY SOME CWAZY *** FACEBOOK POSTEW!