From Sloth to Superhero

After Winter's long awaited thaw, something quite extraordinary happens to the dormant, cave dwelling, remote control possessive sloth. He is once again rejuvenated and transformed into the Live Action Superhero that his family has come to know and love. Upon releasing the pull cord of his trusty grass cutting sidekick, he can be seen practically flying across his lawn with the speed and agility exhibited only by those who don masks, tights and capes. His neighbors all wave to him as they drive by, equally impressed at the grace and command at which he maneuvers his menacing mowing machine. Yes, our Superhero is back and more than eager to confront and engage his lawn for yet another Spring, Summer and Fall!

Earth Day 2013

Another "Earth Day" has come and gone. In fact, it came and went just like the last one and the one before that and the one before that and... just what the heck is Earth Day anyway and what are we supposed to do on this day? Of course, why not a daylong bounteous feast of nothing but good ol' fashioned, home cooked earth food (no Moon pies, Mars bars, etc.). Perhaps, next year I will take a trip to outer space and visit a third world planet so that I will appreciate earth even more than I already do. Oh, and one more thing, maybe we should extend it to "Earth Week" so that those fellow earthlings who celebrate 4/20 have more time to come back down to earth and not miss out on all the festivities.

Bosley vs Baldness

When a man's hair goes, so too, his ability to play Ping Pong and other related sports. I did not realize this until I watched an infomercial for Bosley Hair Restoration. Without a full head of hair, a man simply does not possess the confidence (nor the looks) to compete in sports that require good hair, er, I mean, hand-eye coordination. Bosley Hair Restoration has assured me that with my new synthetic hair, my wife will once again cheer my physical prowess at the Ping Pong table (when she's not running her hands through my new sexy Bosley hair) but, until then, my athletic skills are still better suited for the remote control.

Monty's Revenge

Revenge. We may not always wish it outwardly upon our enemies but if it happens, not too many of us will feel bad about it. Why? Because it makes us feel justice has been served and order has been restored. Hollywood has embraced it and made millions off of it. There is nothing that will arouse our faculties more than seeing a bad guy get what's coming to him (see Taken, Taken 2 and eventually 3, 4, 5...). But, can revenge sometimes be taken too far? Montezuma was the Aztec emperor during the conquest of Mexico by the Spanish Conquistador, Cortes. Granted, he had every reason to be upset. He not only lost his empire but also his own life. But, Monty, please, for the sake of all foreign tourists, enough is enough! It's time to let it go and let us enjoy the wonderful food of Mexico without having to suffer the unpleasant effects of your perpetual wrath afterwards.

Ear Lobes

When family members and relatives get together, interesting discussions and observations are often brought up which previously had not received any attention. While on our recent trip to Mexico, my niece (who once called me weird) made the comment that no one in the Denney family had ear lobes. We compared all our ears and sure enough, we were all minus ear lobes. I pondered the realization of this strange physical phenomenon and began researching to perhaps uncover the origin. I googled, "Why Denneys have no ear lobes." In just a few seconds the computer screen was flooded with historical information of every kind. To summarize, many thousands of years ago in prehistoric England, members of the Denney tribe were extremely slow of foot and could barely keep up with a sloth. Ear lobes, which created wind resistance, gradually began to shrink in size through the process of adaptation in order to make their ears more streamlined and thus better hunters. Personally, I can live without ear lobes but it has been a source of major disappointment for my sisters as they have been unable to wear earrings and, worse yet, their old boyfriends had no ear lobes to nibble on.

Terror at 30,000 Feet

The slightest sign of trouble while flying at 30,000 feet can cause even the strongest of persons to become panic stricken and unravel like a ball of yarn. On our flight home from Mexico City, my sister in law, Paige Denney, somehow got locked inside the lavatory and was unable to free herself from the cramped confines. As the flight attendants worked feverishly to disengage the door locking mechanism, ferocious door pounding and screams of terror from within the lavatory could be heard throughout the cabin of the aircraft frightening many of the passengers on board. After several minutes of unsuccessful attempts by the flight attendants, poor Paige was about ready to rip out the little plastic throne and make her escape through the poop chute when I sprang from my seat and raced to the front of the cabin. With the strength of a much younger version of myself, I kicked open the lavatory door saving the blonde damsel in distress as well as the entire crew and passengers of flight 26.