The day after her television interview with K.L. Denney, Barbara Walters checked herself into "Celebrity Speech Rehab" where she has been working with world renowned speech therapist, Dr. Yul Tokbetter.
DYT: Barbara, I would like to hear the assignment that I gave you yesterday.
BW: Doctow Tokbettew, I'm not suwe if I'm weady yet but hewe goes. Womeo, Womeo, whewefowe awt thou, Womeo.
DYT: Okay, this time you think of something a little more modern and simple.
BW: Wain, wain, go away. Come again anothew day.
DYT: Hmm, interesting. Who's Wayne and why did you tell him to go away?
BW: No, no, Doctow! I said wain, not Wayne!
DYT: Yes, of course. Was Wayne ever abusive to you?
BW: Well, only once when it came down so hawd that it pwactically wuined my little "Gucci-Guccis."
DYT: Your what?
BW: Oh sowwy. That's my little pet name I gave my favowite paiw of shoes. I bowwowed it fwom Chawo.
DYT: Barbara, it's "cuchi-cuchi." Trust me, I know. Charo was a former client.
BW: That's what I said, "gucci-guccis." What's wong? Awe you hawd of heawing?
DYT: Oh, yes, I forgot. That's why you're here.
BW: Doctow Tokbettew, am I cuwed yet?
DYT: We'll continue this tomorrow but I really think that this Wayne could be the source of your speech problem.
BW: But Doctow, I love wain! It makes evewything pwetty and gween!
DYT: Then why did you tell Wayne to go away?
BW: I DIDN'T! IT'S A STUPID NUWSEWY WHYME, YOU DUMB *** SHWINK!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
BW Interview with K.L. (Part 2)
BW: Hello, I'm Bawbawa Waltews and welcome back to pawt 2 of my intewview with K.L. Denney, facebook postew extwaowdinaiwe. How awe you tonight, K.L.?
K.L.: I'm good, Barbara, and thanks so much for having me back particularly after what happened last night.
BW: No pwoblem. Now, in the fiwst pawt of ouw intewview, we discussed the souwce of youw inspiwation. If I wemembew cowwectly, you said you weceive inspiwation fwom genewating gasses in youw alimentawy canal which awe then expelled out youw poopew chute in the fowm of deadly toxic fumes causing sewious nose and eye iwwitations. And, in some extweme cases can wesult in pewmanent damage ow complete loss of vision and smell.
K.L.: Well, I guess you could say that but still very impressive. You've really done your homework well, Babs.
BW: Please don't call me that. That name always weminds me of a sheep. My name is Bawbawa.
K.L.: Okay, Bawbawa Black Sheep. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Can I ask you a personal question? Have you always had difficulty pronouncing your "r's"?
BW: Evew since I can wemembew. Is it weally that bad?
K.L.: Yes, it weally is that bad.
BW: Well, many people call it my twademawk but they also say that Elmew Fudd is my twin bwothew.
K.L.: I'm vewy sowwy, Bawbawa.
BW: Awe you mocking me, K.L.?
K.L.: No, no, weally I'm not! Fow some stwange weason I can't seem to talk stwaight now! I think I need to see a speech thewapist wight away!
BW: And that's the end of ouw pwogwam tonight. Thank you vewy much fow allowing me to intewview you, K.L. Denney.
(Off-air) GET THIS JEWK OUT OF HEWE! I DON'T NEED TO BE INSULTED BY SOME CWAZY *** FACEBOOK POSTEW!
K.L.: I'm good, Barbara, and thanks so much for having me back particularly after what happened last night.
BW: No pwoblem. Now, in the fiwst pawt of ouw intewview, we discussed the souwce of youw inspiwation. If I wemembew cowwectly, you said you weceive inspiwation fwom genewating gasses in youw alimentawy canal which awe then expelled out youw poopew chute in the fowm of deadly toxic fumes causing sewious nose and eye iwwitations. And, in some extweme cases can wesult in pewmanent damage ow complete loss of vision and smell.
K.L.: Well, I guess you could say that but still very impressive. You've really done your homework well, Babs.
BW: Please don't call me that. That name always weminds me of a sheep. My name is Bawbawa.
K.L.: Okay, Bawbawa Black Sheep. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Can I ask you a personal question? Have you always had difficulty pronouncing your "r's"?
BW: Evew since I can wemembew. Is it weally that bad?
K.L.: Yes, it weally is that bad.
BW: Well, many people call it my twademawk but they also say that Elmew Fudd is my twin bwothew.
K.L.: I'm vewy sowwy, Bawbawa.
BW: Awe you mocking me, K.L.?
K.L.: No, no, weally I'm not! Fow some stwange weason I can't seem to talk stwaight now! I think I need to see a speech thewapist wight away!
BW: And that's the end of ouw pwogwam tonight. Thank you vewy much fow allowing me to intewview you, K.L. Denney.
(Off-air) GET THIS JEWK OUT OF HEWE! I DON'T NEED TO BE INSULTED BY SOME CWAZY *** FACEBOOK POSTEW!
BW Interview with K.L. (Part 1)
BW: Hello, I'm Bawbawa Waltews and welcome to my special. Tonight my fiwst guest is the wowld wenowned facebook postew, K.L. Denney. It's a pleasuwe to finally have you on my show, K.L.
K.L.: Thank you Barbara. The pleasure is all mine.
BW: Now, K.L., let me stawt off by asking you whewe in the wowld do you weceive youw inspiwation fwom?
K.L.: Bawbawa, oops, I mean Barbara, I don't exactly know where it comes from. All I know is that at any given moment a spark of inspiration will strike causing me to smile no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing.
BW: K.L., you happen to be smiling on my show wight now. Awe you weceiving a spawk of inspiwation as we speak?
K.L.: Uh, actually, Barbara, no. I can't believe that I just tooted on national television with millions of people watching!
BW: Weeelax, K.L. I toot my own hown all the time. But, tell me, do you still considew youw toot as a spawk of inspiwation?
K.L.: Well, in a sense I guess I do. My wife and kids don't think so but, hey, you gotta get your inspiration from somewhere, right?
BW: Veeewy intewesting, pewhaps that is why my own hown is tooting all the time. Well, folks, now we all know whewe the gweat K.L. Denney weceives his inspiwation fwom and, dawe say, myself. We'll see you all tomowwow night fow the conclusion of my intewview with the man who has litewally weshaped the wowld of facebook. Thank you, K.L.
K.L.: You awe vewy welcome.
K.L.: Thank you Barbara. The pleasure is all mine.
BW: Now, K.L., let me stawt off by asking you whewe in the wowld do you weceive youw inspiwation fwom?
K.L.: Bawbawa, oops, I mean Barbara, I don't exactly know where it comes from. All I know is that at any given moment a spark of inspiration will strike causing me to smile no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing.
BW: K.L., you happen to be smiling on my show wight now. Awe you weceiving a spawk of inspiwation as we speak?
K.L.: Uh, actually, Barbara, no. I can't believe that I just tooted on national television with millions of people watching!
BW: Weeelax, K.L. I toot my own hown all the time. But, tell me, do you still considew youw toot as a spawk of inspiwation?
K.L.: Well, in a sense I guess I do. My wife and kids don't think so but, hey, you gotta get your inspiration from somewhere, right?
BW: Veeewy intewesting, pewhaps that is why my own hown is tooting all the time. Well, folks, now we all know whewe the gweat K.L. Denney weceives his inspiwation fwom and, dawe say, myself. We'll see you all tomowwow night fow the conclusion of my intewview with the man who has litewally weshaped the wowld of facebook. Thank you, K.L.
K.L.: You awe vewy welcome.
Friday, July 26, 2013
In Therapy with OJ
OJ Simpson reports to parole board that he has been counseling other inmates. Let's drop in on one of his sessions, shall we? Shhh, I think this one is already in progress...
Thug 1: OJ, first of all, let me just say that I am your biggest fan and the proud owner of much of your sports and crime memorabilia...
OJ: And just how did you obtain my memorabilia?
Thug 1: I stole it. How else do you think I got in here?
OJ: Anyway, what is your question, my good man?
Thug 1: OJ, tell us how you got away with murder and we didn't?
OJ: Good question. I was going to cover that very subject next week but since you asked we might as well jump into it. Money, my friends, and lots of it. Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid that we've run out of time for today. Okay, now that that's over with let's get back to business. I have in my hand here a genuine autographed piece of my old toilet paper. Who shall begin the bidding?
Thug 2: I'll give you one cigarette for it, no, make that half a cigarette.
OJ: Do I hear one cigarette? Half a cigarette going once, going twice, sold to the man in the black and white striped jumpsuit!
Thug 1: OJ, first of all, let me just say that I am your biggest fan and the proud owner of much of your sports and crime memorabilia...
OJ: And just how did you obtain my memorabilia?
Thug 1: I stole it. How else do you think I got in here?
OJ: Anyway, what is your question, my good man?
Thug 1: OJ, tell us how you got away with murder and we didn't?
OJ: Good question. I was going to cover that very subject next week but since you asked we might as well jump into it. Money, my friends, and lots of it. Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid that we've run out of time for today. Okay, now that that's over with let's get back to business. I have in my hand here a genuine autographed piece of my old toilet paper. Who shall begin the bidding?
Thug 2: I'll give you one cigarette for it, no, make that half a cigarette.
OJ: Do I hear one cigarette? Half a cigarette going once, going twice, sold to the man in the black and white striped jumpsuit!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
The Lost Tribe of Phollicle
The other night my observant better half remarked how tanned my forehead was. In my attempt to explain the reason how this originally came to be, it will necessitate our travel to a distant time and place, the pre facebook era, when a post was part of a fence and a wall was part of a building. Come take a fascinating journey with me tonight as we attempt to uncover the mystery of "The Lost Tribe of Phollicle." Check local cable listings for time and channel.
Many years ago upon the ancient Scalp Denney there lived a little tribe who prospered and multiplied exceedingly. "The Tribe of Phollicle," as they were known, were a happy, peaceful tribe and loved to spend hours dancing with the wind. As the years went by, except for an occasional bad cropping, they continued to live in peace without any conflicts. One summer, a terrible drought and ensuing famine overtook their homescalp and threatened their peaceful civilization. Many tribal members eventually fled to the north and were never seen again. The few that stayed vowed that they would never leave their beloved homescalp regardless of the lingering drought or any other adverse condition. However, notwithstanding their steadily diminishing population, eternal hope still exists in an old prophecy that "The Lost Tribe of Phollicle" will someday return in all their splendor to once again dance with the wind.
Many years ago upon the ancient Scalp Denney there lived a little tribe who prospered and multiplied exceedingly. "The Tribe of Phollicle," as they were known, were a happy, peaceful tribe and loved to spend hours dancing with the wind. As the years went by, except for an occasional bad cropping, they continued to live in peace without any conflicts. One summer, a terrible drought and ensuing famine overtook their homescalp and threatened their peaceful civilization. Many tribal members eventually fled to the north and were never seen again. The few that stayed vowed that they would never leave their beloved homescalp regardless of the lingering drought or any other adverse condition. However, notwithstanding their steadily diminishing population, eternal hope still exists in an old prophecy that "The Lost Tribe of Phollicle" will someday return in all their splendor to once again dance with the wind.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Planes, Brains and Automobiles
Continuing the subject of brains (which seem to occupy my mind lately), although my body has been showing signs of wear and tear for some time now, I always reassure my wife that my Vintage 1959 Custom Model Brain is still operating at maximum efficiency. In fact, every so often it will overheat and shut down due to excessive brilliance and have to cool down in order to regain standard levels of extraordinary genius. I'm even amazed at how I... AHHHH!!! Dang, that one REALLY hurt! Why can't I ever get a slipper or at least a tennis shoe thrown at me instead of those deadly pointy high heels! Now, where was I? Oh yeah, just talking about myself again...
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Civil War
The following conversation takes place several times a day within the convoluted confines of my brain.
Right Brain: Wow! I've got this killer idea for a new post!
Left Brain: Oh no, here we go again.
Right Brain: Stick it, Lame-o! I don't see you making any contributions to his wall.
Left Brain: That's because I have better and more important things to do with my gray matter.
Right Brain: Yeah, like trying to come up with better ideas of how to make his life more boring than it already is.
Left Brain: Listen, Mark Twit. If you think you're so creative then how do you explain the fact that he only has 2 followers on his blog?
Right Brain: Hey, it's not like we're trying to start a cult or anything. These things take time.
Left Brain: Well, that's part of the problem. You have too much of it on your hands.
Hands: Hands, reporting for duty, Sir!
Left Brain: Hands, you weren't officially summoned for duty but since you're here, could you please give him a good whack on the side of the head. You know which side.
Hands: Yes, Sir!
Right Brain: Wow! I've got this killer idea for a new post!
Left Brain: Oh no, here we go again.
Right Brain: Stick it, Lame-o! I don't see you making any contributions to his wall.
Left Brain: That's because I have better and more important things to do with my gray matter.
Right Brain: Yeah, like trying to come up with better ideas of how to make his life more boring than it already is.
Left Brain: Listen, Mark Twit. If you think you're so creative then how do you explain the fact that he only has 2 followers on his blog?
Right Brain: Hey, it's not like we're trying to start a cult or anything. These things take time.
Left Brain: Well, that's part of the problem. You have too much of it on your hands.
Hands: Hands, reporting for duty, Sir!
Left Brain: Hands, you weren't officially summoned for duty but since you're here, could you please give him a good whack on the side of the head. You know which side.
Hands: Yes, Sir!
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