Stupid Cupid

A man who is accused of trying to get marijuana into a Washington state jail by attaching it to an arrow he shot onto the roof has been identified. The suspect is none other than Cupid, the chubby little cherub who is responsible for causing so many of us to fall hopelessly in love. When questioned of his motive for shooting an arrow with marijuana attached to it into the jail, this was his response. "I've been having quite a bit of trouble these last few years with getting men to fall in love. With their fantasy football leagues, video games, lack of responsibilities, etc., they just don't seem to have an interest in love anymore no matter how potent my arrows are. In fact, these "man-boys" seem to have almost become immune to them. So, I decided to try something just a little different. Granted, it probably wasn't the most ideal place to start but I just wanted to see if, by perhaps, altering their state of minds would somehow allow my arrows to once again produce their desired effects."

The Diabolical Brain Brothers

I have just been informed by my friend and closest ally, my heart, that the long standing feud between my right brain and my left brain has reached a permanent ceasefire. After years of non-stop bickering which often times has left me virtually brain dead, "The Diabolical Brain Brothers" as they now call themselves, have torn down the wall between them and are now united as one, all powerful, Superbrain. Unfortunately, however, in the process of their reunification they became corrupted and now seek control over every member of my body, including my heart, who had many times tried to intervene and negotiate a peace treaty. I refuse to allow my beloved friend, who had already suffered so much from their constant feuding, to fall and become subject to their total domination. The war has begun.

Horsefeathers!

Ever since I started using The Original Mane 'n Tail Shampoo I've noticed a more shiny, manageable and fuller mane, er, I mean, hair. My appetite has also curiously changed. I eat like a horse now. It's funny because I've never really liked carrots or apples before but now I eat them by the basketful and find myself chomping at the bit for more. In fact, I think I'll prance over to the kitchen, uh, make that walk over to the kitchen for a midnight snack. Tomorrow, I've got plans (hopefully, before it rains) to go to the equestrian park to throw some horseshoes with my neighbor. Okay, this is really starting to get annoying, plus, now there's a big horse-fly buzzing around the room. I think it's about time to call it a night and hit the hay.

BW in Celebrity Speech Rehab

The day after her television interview with K.L. Denney, Barbara Walters checked herself into "Celebrity Speech Rehab" where she has been working with world renowned speech therapist, Dr. Yul Tokbetter.

DYT: Barbara, I would like to hear the assignment that I gave you yesterday.
BW: Doctow Tokbettew, I'm not suwe if I'm weady yet but hewe goes. Womeo, Womeo, whewefowe awt thou, Womeo.
DYT: Okay, this time you think of something a little more modern and simple.
BW: Wain, wain, go away. Come again anothew day.
DYT: Hmm, interesting. Who's Wayne and why did you tell him to go away?
BW: No, no, Doctow! I said wain, not Wayne!
DYT: Yes, of course. Was Wayne ever abusive to you?
BW: Well, only once when it came down so hawd that it pwactically wuined my little "Gucci-Guccis."
DYT: Your what?
BW: Oh sowwy. That's my little pet name I gave my favowite paiw of shoes. I bowwowed it fwom Chawo.
DYT: Barbara, it's "cuchi-cuchi." Trust me, I know. Charo was a former client.
BW: That's what I said, "gucci-guccis." What's wong? Awe you hawd of heawing?
DYT: Oh, yes, I forgot. That's why you're here.
BW: Doctow Tokbettew, am I cuwed yet?
DYT: We'll continue this tomorrow but I really think that this Wayne could be the source of your speech problem.
BW: But Doctow, I love wain! It makes evewything pwetty and gween!
DYT: Then why did you tell Wayne to go away?
BW: I DIDN'T! IT'S A STUPID NUWSEWY WHYME, YOU DUMB *** SHWINK!

BW Interview with K.L. (Part 2)

BW: Hello, I'm Bawbawa Waltews and welcome back to pawt 2 of my intewview with K.L. Denney, facebook postew extwaowdinaiwe. How awe you tonight, K.L.?
K.L.: I'm good, Barbara, and thanks so much for having me back particularly after what happened last night.
BW: No pwoblem. Now, in the fiwst pawt of ouw intewview, we discussed the souwce of youw inspiwation. If I wemembew cowwectly,  you said you weceive inspiwation fwom genewating gasses in youw alimentawy canal which awe then expelled out youw poopew chute in the fowm of deadly toxic fumes causing sewious nose and eye iwwitations. And, in some extweme cases can wesult in pewmanent damage ow complete loss of vision and smell.
K.L.: Well, I guess you could say that but still very impressive. You've really done your homework well, Babs.
BW: Please don't call me that. That name always weminds me of a sheep. My name is Bawbawa.
K.L.: Okay, Bawbawa Black Sheep. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Can I ask you a personal question? Have you always had difficulty pronouncing your "r's"?
BW: Evew since I can wemembew. Is it weally that bad?
K.L.: Yes, it weally is that bad.
BW: Well, many people call it my twademawk but they also say that Elmew Fudd is my twin bwothew.
K.L.: I'm vewy sowwy, Bawbawa.
BW: Awe you mocking me, K.L.?
K.L.: No, no, weally I'm not! Fow some stwange weason I can't seem to talk stwaight now! I think I need to see a speech thewapist wight away!
BW: And that's the end of ouw pwogwam tonight. Thank you vewy much fow allowing me to intewview you, K.L. Denney.
(Off-air) GET THIS JEWK OUT OF HEWE! I DON'T NEED TO BE INSULTED BY SOME CWAZY *** FACEBOOK POSTEW!

BW Interview with K.L. (Part 1)

BW: Hello, I'm Bawbawa Waltews and welcome to my special. Tonight my fiwst guest is the wowld wenowned facebook postew, K.L. Denney. It's a pleasuwe to finally have you on my show, K.L.
K.L.: Thank you Barbara. The pleasure is all mine.
BW: Now, K.L., let me stawt off by asking you whewe in the wowld do you weceive youw inspiwation fwom?
K.L.: Bawbawa, oops, I mean Barbara, I don't exactly know where it comes from. All I know is that at any given moment a spark of inspiration will strike causing me to smile no matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing.
BW: K.L., you happen to be smiling on my show wight now. Awe you weceiving a spawk of inspiwation as we speak?
K.L.: Uh, actually, Barbara, no. I can't believe that I just tooted on national television with millions of people watching!
BW: Weeelax, K.L. I toot my own hown all the time. But, tell me, do you still considew youw toot as a spawk of inspiwation?
K.L.: Well, in a sense I guess I do. My wife and kids don't think so but, hey, you gotta get your inspiration from somewhere, right?
BW: Veeewy intewesting, pewhaps that is why my own hown is tooting all the time. Well, folks, now we all know whewe the gweat K.L. Denney weceives his inspiwation fwom and, dawe say, myself. We'll see you all tomowwow night fow the conclusion of my intewview with the man who has litewally weshaped the wowld of facebook. Thank you, K.L.
K.L.: You awe vewy welcome.

In Therapy with OJ

OJ Simpson reports to parole board that he has been counseling other inmates. Let's drop in on one of his sessions, shall we? Shhh, I think this one is already in progress...
Thug 1: OJ, first of all, let me just say that I am your biggest fan and the proud owner of much of your sports and crime memorabilia...
OJ: And just how did you obtain my memorabilia?
Thug 1: I stole it. How else do you think I got in here?
OJ: Anyway, what is your question, my good man?
Thug 1: OJ, tell us how you got away with murder and we didn't?
OJ: Good question. I was going to cover that very subject next week but since you asked we might as well jump into it. Money, my friends, and lots of it. Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid that we've run out of time for today. Okay, now that that's over with let's get back to business. I have in my hand here a genuine autographed piece of my old toilet paper. Who shall begin the bidding?
Thug 2: I'll give you one cigarette for it, no, make that half a cigarette.
OJ: Do I hear one cigarette? Half a cigarette going once, going twice, sold to the man in the black and white striped jumpsuit!